In February’s metablog post, I spoke about how I knew I was “capable of more than a ‘simple’ review of my previous month’s creative activities and ‘update’ posts for my collaborative efforts” and how I hoped I’d take “a step in the right direction in March”. Cutting a long story short, I didn’t manage it.
Once again, I wrote posts for Croshare and The Portsmouth and Southsea Consortium, and I managed to write another LGBT History Month post in the as-yet unfinished series on my personal blog – at the time of writing this, there are three more to go. I’m looking forward to catching up properly with those, as I’ve a feeling that the longer I leave them, the more of a hindrance their incompletion is to what I might call my ‘creative wellbeing’; the place within my mind from which comes all the desire to work on new and different things, and the place receptive to influence and inspiration.
This makes me think of a couple of other things on my to-do list – a while ago – in May 2015, to be exact, I started writing a short series of posts on my personal blog talking about my experiences of being mistaken for a woman. I meant to finish those over a couple of weeks, but I found that I couldn’t. I’d lost the thread of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it about a lot of those experiences, and the resulting thoughts and feelings. Recently, I’ve thought more and more about that first post, and I’ve started to think that I may be ready to carry on. Perhaps. Possibly. I’d like to write the two remaining posts in this series of three. I’d like to draw a line under those, as it might free up some brain space for something else.
I’ve also given a lot of thought to a project on my personal blog that started off as a participatory series for anyone who was interested, but dwindled away to nothing after a few months and only eight of the twenty-odd planned: The Second Sex Readalong. I’d been fascinated to go through Simone de Beauvoir’s seminal work in the light of all the contemporary reading I’d done on feminism and gender studies, and I’m not entirely certain why I stopped. I would like to finish these, but I feel so overwhelmed by what I’m consuming in related fields at the moment that de Beauvoir’s text just seems like a little too much to handle on top of all these.
I see more evidence here of something I discussed a little last month – enjoying the process over the product. The more this pops up, in my activities both creative and cultural, the more I have to wonder about what this means for these. There’s a lot of ‘I want to but I don’t’ and a lot of ‘I don’t finish what I start’ – but this only ever seems to affect those things I set out to do for myself – my collaborative projects, freelance work and day job don’t fall victim to the same thoughts and (in)actions.
Occasionally, I’ll try something different to see if I can coax out a little more creativity, or a little more enthusiasm, or a little more… Something. I need to try and find a way to focus on the works in progress and to complete these. Starting one new project after the other certainly isn’t helping me out, but I don’t know how I can move beyond these behaviours and don’t think I’ll be able to unless I can first understand from where they’ve come and why they have such a hold on my processes and practices.
I can’t say that I’ll manage to make much headway with this in April with any degree of certainty; however, I may be able to go through the month with a little more awareness of what I do and what I feel and think when I’m doing it – or not. I’d be curious to see what other insights about myself and what I do I have at the end of the month.